The research on wealth and happiness is filled with contradictions. For ages, studies showed that more money didn’t bring more happiness and that happiness plateau at a certain income or wealth level once certain needs were met.
Last year brought contrary research showing that more wealth did, in fact, make people more satisfied with their lives, even if they still had day-to-day frustrations. A new study co-funded by the Gates Foundation, however, portrays the ultra rich as lost souls burdened by the fears, worries and family distortions of too much money.
According to an article in The Atlantic, “the respondents turn out to be a generally dissatisfied lot, whose money has contributed to deep anxieties involving love, work, and family. Indeed, they are frequently dissatisfied even with their sizable fortunes. Most of them still do not consider themselves financially secure; for that, they say, they would require on average one-quarter more wealth than they currently possess.”
The respondents–120 people with a net worth of $25 million or more–were asked to write
responses to certain questions. Here are some of their responses.
ENVY.
Last year brought contrary research showing that more wealth did, in fact, make people more satisfied with their lives, even if they still had day-to-day frustrations. A new study co-funded by the Gates Foundation, however, portrays the ultra rich as lost souls burdened by the fears, worries and family distortions of too much money.
According to an article in The Atlantic, “the respondents turn out to be a generally dissatisfied lot, whose money has contributed to deep anxieties involving love, work, and family. Indeed, they are frequently dissatisfied even with their sizable fortunes. Most of them still do not consider themselves financially secure; for that, they say, they would require on average one-quarter more wealth than they currently possess.”
The respondents–120 people with a net worth of $25 million or more–were asked to write
responses to certain questions. Here are some of their responses.
ENVY.
It’s one of those emotions we’d like to admit we don’t have, but we do. It’s a very powerful one and if not kept in check, can lead you down roads you do NOT want to travel. Roads that lead to jealousy, depression, resentment, hate, anger, loss of personal power, and great unbalance in your work, social, and personal life.
In terms of the context of this article, being envious of others simply refers to being envious of another person’s possessions. That’s a broad area which includes natural talents, abilities, looks, material possessions, etc.
So why do people become envious of others?
It all comes down to focusing on two things.
1. Too much focus on personal lack.
2. Too much focus on others.
Too much focus on personal lack.
I don’t have his/her intelligence. I don’t have his/her good looks. I don’t have my neighbor’s new car. I don’t have my co-workers cool new cell phone. I don’t have my classmates’ cool new clothes.
In terms of the context of this article, being envious of others simply refers to being envious of another person’s possessions. That’s a broad area which includes natural talents, abilities, looks, material possessions, etc.
So why do people become envious of others?
It all comes down to focusing on two things.
1. Too much focus on personal lack.
2. Too much focus on others.
Too much focus on personal lack.
I don’t have his/her intelligence. I don’t have his/her good looks. I don’t have my neighbor’s new car. I don’t have my co-workers cool new cell phone. I don’t have my classmates’ cool new clothes.
I don’t have, I don’t have, I don’t have.
That’s the common theme here isn’t it? The catalyst that seems to sparks envy.
You state what you don’t have and then you state what that means to you.
I don’t have his/her intelligence. I must be dumb. I’ll never be smart enough to do anything.
I don’t have his/her good looks. I’m hideous. Nobody will ever like me.
I don’t have my neighbor’s new car. I must not be cool.
To solve this, let’s cut out the root part, which is the “I don’t have” part, so you don’t start spiraling out of control.
So how do we solve the “I don’t have” dilemma? The logical step would be to state what we do have, but let’s take a step back and discuss one important principle first.
We’re all unique.
Yes, you’ve heard it before, but I’ll say it again. We are all unique.
I don’t care if you have an exact identical twin, if both of you have been fed the same food, or if both of you have been brought up the exact same way. We are all unique.
Period no two people in the history of the universe have ever led identical lives. Every person is made up of entirely different ingredients that comprise of genes, thoughts, emotions, experiences, and feelings that are all mixed together at different moments and blended at different times which make up who they are.
Given the fact that we are all unique, it makes no sense to compare yourself to other people since the concoctions that make up who we are, are so radically different.Never forget that you are truly a unique individual.
So what is it that makes you unique?
Now is the time to write down what you do have.
Stop underestimating yourself. You know you have some qualities about you that other people don’t have. Do you know how ludicrous it sounds to be naming off all the qualities that other people have when you don’t even think of doing it to yourself?
Take out a piece of paper and really start to look within and start writing. See what it is that you have, not what you don’t. We all have something about ourselves that ironically enough, other people envy about us.
Once you start to focus on what makes you unique, you stop becoming envious of other people because your previous identity was made up of what other people had and what you didn’t. In other words, your identity never really existed because it was made entirely outside of you. Now that you focus on what you do have, your identity begins to take solid internal shape. Realize you are unique, that you have a lot to offer, and stop relying on others to define who you are which bring us to:
Too much focus on others.
We each have our own journey. Define it by clarifying what YOU want out of it. Don’t get trapped into thinking we all want the same things. You’re a very unique individual. What one person may want, you may not necessarily want. Get clear on what you want so you don’t waste time and energy being envious of people who have what you may think you want.
American society has conditioned us to believe that we want the BMW, the high paying salary job, the trophy wife, and two kids at home. Some may genuinely want it, but I’m guessing the majority don’t.
We all have different values that we work for. Some might value health more than wealth, so they’ll spend time eating healthy and exercising. Those people will not be envious of the wealthy. In fact, they may even pity them for trading their health for wealth.
Others may value family over wealth, so they will take the jobs that allow them to spend as much time with their family as possible. They, as well, will not be envious of those who are financially well off as their journey points to family, not to wealth.
Once you clarify what you want, what your journey is, you block out everything else.
If your journey is to become the best teacher at your school, you don’t become envious of other people who are movie stars.
Why?
Because that’s their journey, not yours.
You know what happens when you clarify what you want and start to focus on your own journey?
Your envy turns to genuine admiration and inspiration.
In other words, it starts working FOR you.
Going back to the person whose journey is to become the best teacher, he may look at movie stars and realize just how hard they must’ve worked to get there instead of being green with envy for their good fortune. He will then start realizing all the positive aspects of others, the guy who must’ve worked hard to get that BMW, the person who must’ve spent hours in the gym sculpting that body, the marathon runner who trained for years to place 1st in the race. That admiration can then lead to inspiration, which can be used to fuel his own quest.
Once you begin to learn to appreciate other people’s circumstances, you start to appreciate your own as well.
You become thankful for your circumstances instead of thinking you're handicapped because of them.
I’ll admit, when I was young, I was envious of the kids at school who had parents who were financially well off. I would envy all the presents they got, the cool clothes they wore, and the cars their parents bought them. But when I started focusing on my own journey to become the best I could be, I started to appreciate how hard those kid’s parents must’ve worked to provide their children with a comfortable life. I then looked at my own circumstances in childhood that were filled with financial hardships and I realized that I was blessed because of them. Those hardships were there to shape me, to propel me to become the very best I could be and without them, I would have never undertaken my own personal journey.
So how will you know when you’ve truly stopped being envious of others?When you genuinely feel happy for the good things that happen to them in their lives.
And the ironic thing is that mindset is something that a majority of people would envy having.
ON ENVYING WEALTH.
That’s the common theme here isn’t it? The catalyst that seems to sparks envy.
You state what you don’t have and then you state what that means to you.
I don’t have his/her intelligence. I must be dumb. I’ll never be smart enough to do anything.
I don’t have his/her good looks. I’m hideous. Nobody will ever like me.
I don’t have my neighbor’s new car. I must not be cool.
To solve this, let’s cut out the root part, which is the “I don’t have” part, so you don’t start spiraling out of control.
So how do we solve the “I don’t have” dilemma? The logical step would be to state what we do have, but let’s take a step back and discuss one important principle first.
We’re all unique.
Yes, you’ve heard it before, but I’ll say it again. We are all unique.
I don’t care if you have an exact identical twin, if both of you have been fed the same food, or if both of you have been brought up the exact same way. We are all unique.
Period no two people in the history of the universe have ever led identical lives. Every person is made up of entirely different ingredients that comprise of genes, thoughts, emotions, experiences, and feelings that are all mixed together at different moments and blended at different times which make up who they are.
Given the fact that we are all unique, it makes no sense to compare yourself to other people since the concoctions that make up who we are, are so radically different.Never forget that you are truly a unique individual.
So what is it that makes you unique?
Now is the time to write down what you do have.
Stop underestimating yourself. You know you have some qualities about you that other people don’t have. Do you know how ludicrous it sounds to be naming off all the qualities that other people have when you don’t even think of doing it to yourself?
Take out a piece of paper and really start to look within and start writing. See what it is that you have, not what you don’t. We all have something about ourselves that ironically enough, other people envy about us.
Once you start to focus on what makes you unique, you stop becoming envious of other people because your previous identity was made up of what other people had and what you didn’t. In other words, your identity never really existed because it was made entirely outside of you. Now that you focus on what you do have, your identity begins to take solid internal shape. Realize you are unique, that you have a lot to offer, and stop relying on others to define who you are which bring us to:
Too much focus on others.
We each have our own journey. Define it by clarifying what YOU want out of it. Don’t get trapped into thinking we all want the same things. You’re a very unique individual. What one person may want, you may not necessarily want. Get clear on what you want so you don’t waste time and energy being envious of people who have what you may think you want.
American society has conditioned us to believe that we want the BMW, the high paying salary job, the trophy wife, and two kids at home. Some may genuinely want it, but I’m guessing the majority don’t.
We all have different values that we work for. Some might value health more than wealth, so they’ll spend time eating healthy and exercising. Those people will not be envious of the wealthy. In fact, they may even pity them for trading their health for wealth.
Others may value family over wealth, so they will take the jobs that allow them to spend as much time with their family as possible. They, as well, will not be envious of those who are financially well off as their journey points to family, not to wealth.
Once you clarify what you want, what your journey is, you block out everything else.
If your journey is to become the best teacher at your school, you don’t become envious of other people who are movie stars.
Why?
Because that’s their journey, not yours.
You know what happens when you clarify what you want and start to focus on your own journey?
Your envy turns to genuine admiration and inspiration.
In other words, it starts working FOR you.
Going back to the person whose journey is to become the best teacher, he may look at movie stars and realize just how hard they must’ve worked to get there instead of being green with envy for their good fortune. He will then start realizing all the positive aspects of others, the guy who must’ve worked hard to get that BMW, the person who must’ve spent hours in the gym sculpting that body, the marathon runner who trained for years to place 1st in the race. That admiration can then lead to inspiration, which can be used to fuel his own quest.
Once you begin to learn to appreciate other people’s circumstances, you start to appreciate your own as well.
You become thankful for your circumstances instead of thinking you're handicapped because of them.
I’ll admit, when I was young, I was envious of the kids at school who had parents who were financially well off. I would envy all the presents they got, the cool clothes they wore, and the cars their parents bought them. But when I started focusing on my own journey to become the best I could be, I started to appreciate how hard those kid’s parents must’ve worked to provide their children with a comfortable life. I then looked at my own circumstances in childhood that were filled with financial hardships and I realized that I was blessed because of them. Those hardships were there to shape me, to propel me to become the very best I could be and without them, I would have never undertaken my own personal journey.
So how will you know when you’ve truly stopped being envious of others?When you genuinely feel happy for the good things that happen to them in their lives.
And the ironic thing is that mindset is something that a majority of people would envy having.
ON ENVYING WEALTH.
“If we can get people just a little bit more informed, so they know that getting the $20 million or $200 million won’t necessarily bring them all that they’d hoped for, then maybe they’d concentrate instead on things that would make the world a better place and could help to make them truly happy.”
“I feel extremely lucky, but it’s hard to get other, nonwealthy people to believe it’s not more significant than that. … The novelty of money has worn off.”
ON WHY THE POOR SHOULD BE HAPPY:
“I feel extremely lucky, but it’s hard to get other, nonwealthy people to believe it’s not more significant than that. … The novelty of money has worn off.”
ON WHY THE POOR SHOULD BE HAPPY:
“Nobody has the excuse of ‘lack of money’ for not being at peace and living in integrity,” writes one survey respondent of his family, with a touch of bitterness. “If they choose to live otherwise, that’s their business.”
ON LOVE:
ON LOVE:
One mom writes that the men in her daughters’ lives could feel “powerless,” and that “their role as provider has been usurped.”
ON CHILDREN:
ON CHILDREN:
Money “runs the danger of giving them a perverted view of the world.” Adds another: “Money could mess them up—give them a sense of entitlement, prevent them from developing a strong sense of empathy and compassion.”
“We try to get our kids to do chores,” one survey respondent complains, but it’s hard to get them to mow the lawn when “we have an almost full-time gardener.”
ON MEAN, RICH DADS:
“We try to get our kids to do chores,” one survey respondent complains, but it’s hard to get them to mow the lawn when “we have an almost full-time gardener.”
ON MEAN, RICH DADS:
“I have grown up with a father who never wanted to give up control of his business but kept taunting me with the opportunity to step into his shoes.” His wife adds, “It has been difficult to feel financially independent when [my] spouse’s parents hold tight control over [our] children’s inheritance.”
WHY THE RICH AREN’T SMARTER:
WHY THE RICH AREN’T SMARTER:
Other people “glorify wealth and think that it means that the wealthy are smarter, wiser, more ‘blessed’ or some other such crock.”
ON INHERITING:
ON INHERITING:
“Financial freedom can produce anxiety and hesitancy. In my own life, I have been intimidated about my abilities because I inherited money.”
ON LUCK:
ON LUCK:
“I just happened to hit the jackpot by choosing to work for the right company at the right time. I have never thought that I in any way earned this amount of wealth. I’m just now feeling like I’m getting the hang of it.”
ON FRIENDS:
ON FRIENDS:
“Wealth can be a barrier to connecting with other people,” writes the spouse of a tech wizard who cashed in to the tune of $80 million. “Not feeling you should share some of the stressors in your life (‘Yeah, wouldn’t I like to have your problems’), awkwardness re: who should pay at a restaurant.”
ON HATING THE HOLIDAYS:
ON HATING THE HOLIDAYS:
Robert A. Kenny, one of the study’s authors and partner at North Bridge Advisory Group, says the wealthy dread holidays “because they were always expected to give really good presents.”
Of course, the survey, like most wealth surveys, has an underlying message. The Gates Foundation and the Boston College Center on Wealth and Philanthropy–directed by Paul G. Schervish–set out in part to encourage the wealthy to be better and more effective philanthropists. Showing the burdens of wealth helps the case for getting the rich to give more.
“We believe the survey will make an extraordinary contribution toward helping us understand what drives donors to give and what they need in order to give effectively,” Michael Deich, deputy director of public policy at the Gates foundation told me in 2007, when the study was announced. (They aimed for more than 1,000 people with a net worth of $25 million or more. They got 120, proving that studying the superrich may be the hardest sociological job of all).
Indeed, there may be plenty of super-rich people who are genuinely happier because of their wealth and the freedoms, choices and adventures it allows.
Do you agree or disagree with any of the statements above ?“Remember to stay on your own yoga mat,” the yoga instructor said as I, and the members of my yoga class, held the “warrior” pose. “Don’t compare yourself to others. This is your yoga practice, not someone else’s.”
After that comment, I made a concerted effort to avoid sneaking a peek at the super-fit, super-flexible (and of course, drop-dead gorgeous) yogini student to my right. I had a feeling that whatever I saw would cause my jaw to drop in awe and envy (perhaps in a new yoga pose – “Dropped Jaw”?) Instead, I spent the rest of the class dutifully focused on my own positioning, breathing, and intention.
Of course, we can’t go through life studiously ignoring other people who may cause us to “compare and despair.” As we think about our work, our careers, and especially when we grapple with what’s next for us, we can’t help but notice what other people have accomplished, the dream jobs they have landed, the kind of lifestyle they have attained. We may find ourselves feeling envious.
Rather than pretending that envy is an emotion that never afflicts us, I find it’s helpful to make friends with envy. It can be very useful.
What is envy telling you ?
Envy usually has a hidden message for us:It can be a message about what is lacking in your life, career, or job.
It can help you discern what you really want.
It can be a reminder that you are capable of more, better, or different than what you are doing/being right now.
And yet, envy does not tell the whole story. When we envy something that someone else has — be it a job or career path, a house, a relationship, material wealth, a vacation, an award, an adventure — we are usually fixated on the object of our envy, and not looking at the whole picture of that person’s life. Sure, they have a high-profile job that they’re great at, but do they have a fulfilling personal life, good health, and/or work/life balance? And even when people seem to us to “have it all,” we usually have no idea what is truly going on behind the scenes.
From “compare and despair” to “admire and aspire”
So rather than get caught in a downward spiral of “compare and despair,” I suggest we try to “admire and aspire.” When you see something that someone else possesses or has attained, here are three things you can do:
1. Figure out what it is about the thing that you envy that is so attractive. Get specific. For example, if you envy a former colleague’s promotion, identify what exactly is enviable about it. Is it the prestige of the new position? The higher level of authority to make decisions in the organization? The larger budget? The opportunity to make an impact? The ability to work with a certain type or group of people? The more flexible hours, promising better work/life balance? The salary and benefits package? The travel opportunities? The executive assistant?
2. Having honed in on the specific aspect of what you envy, think about how exactly you would like to have that in your life. Chances are, you don’t want an exact replica of the situation of the person you envy. Adapt that desired element to your own life situation.
3. Ask yourself, “What are some actions I can take to begin to bring this desired thing into my life?” Rather than getting stuck in the feeling of envy, turn that into action. Shift from envy to inspiration. Brainstorm some baby steps that you could actually take this week, and this month, so that you don’t get overwhelmed and see your goal as unattainable. For example: interview the envied individual about how they got to where they are and how they like it; do some Google research on the thing you aspire to; identify what strengths you have that align with your goal.
Of course, the survey, like most wealth surveys, has an underlying message. The Gates Foundation and the Boston College Center on Wealth and Philanthropy–directed by Paul G. Schervish–set out in part to encourage the wealthy to be better and more effective philanthropists. Showing the burdens of wealth helps the case for getting the rich to give more.
“We believe the survey will make an extraordinary contribution toward helping us understand what drives donors to give and what they need in order to give effectively,” Michael Deich, deputy director of public policy at the Gates foundation told me in 2007, when the study was announced. (They aimed for more than 1,000 people with a net worth of $25 million or more. They got 120, proving that studying the superrich may be the hardest sociological job of all).
Indeed, there may be plenty of super-rich people who are genuinely happier because of their wealth and the freedoms, choices and adventures it allows.
Do you agree or disagree with any of the statements above ?“Remember to stay on your own yoga mat,” the yoga instructor said as I, and the members of my yoga class, held the “warrior” pose. “Don’t compare yourself to others. This is your yoga practice, not someone else’s.”
After that comment, I made a concerted effort to avoid sneaking a peek at the super-fit, super-flexible (and of course, drop-dead gorgeous) yogini student to my right. I had a feeling that whatever I saw would cause my jaw to drop in awe and envy (perhaps in a new yoga pose – “Dropped Jaw”?) Instead, I spent the rest of the class dutifully focused on my own positioning, breathing, and intention.
Of course, we can’t go through life studiously ignoring other people who may cause us to “compare and despair.” As we think about our work, our careers, and especially when we grapple with what’s next for us, we can’t help but notice what other people have accomplished, the dream jobs they have landed, the kind of lifestyle they have attained. We may find ourselves feeling envious.
Rather than pretending that envy is an emotion that never afflicts us, I find it’s helpful to make friends with envy. It can be very useful.
What is envy telling you ?
Envy usually has a hidden message for us:It can be a message about what is lacking in your life, career, or job.
It can help you discern what you really want.
It can be a reminder that you are capable of more, better, or different than what you are doing/being right now.
And yet, envy does not tell the whole story. When we envy something that someone else has — be it a job or career path, a house, a relationship, material wealth, a vacation, an award, an adventure — we are usually fixated on the object of our envy, and not looking at the whole picture of that person’s life. Sure, they have a high-profile job that they’re great at, but do they have a fulfilling personal life, good health, and/or work/life balance? And even when people seem to us to “have it all,” we usually have no idea what is truly going on behind the scenes.
From “compare and despair” to “admire and aspire”
So rather than get caught in a downward spiral of “compare and despair,” I suggest we try to “admire and aspire.” When you see something that someone else possesses or has attained, here are three things you can do:
1. Figure out what it is about the thing that you envy that is so attractive. Get specific. For example, if you envy a former colleague’s promotion, identify what exactly is enviable about it. Is it the prestige of the new position? The higher level of authority to make decisions in the organization? The larger budget? The opportunity to make an impact? The ability to work with a certain type or group of people? The more flexible hours, promising better work/life balance? The salary and benefits package? The travel opportunities? The executive assistant?
2. Having honed in on the specific aspect of what you envy, think about how exactly you would like to have that in your life. Chances are, you don’t want an exact replica of the situation of the person you envy. Adapt that desired element to your own life situation.
3. Ask yourself, “What are some actions I can take to begin to bring this desired thing into my life?” Rather than getting stuck in the feeling of envy, turn that into action. Shift from envy to inspiration. Brainstorm some baby steps that you could actually take this week, and this month, so that you don’t get overwhelmed and see your goal as unattainable. For example: interview the envied individual about how they got to where they are and how they like it; do some Google research on the thing you aspire to; identify what strengths you have that align with your goal.
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